you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
