My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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