i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
