At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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