Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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