I could make wine with my vomit
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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