I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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