my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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