Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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