I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
