True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
