Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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