you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
