i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I am one with the molecules
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
