White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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