I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
