That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
