lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
