he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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