I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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