My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
God I need to hump something, right now.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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