if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
last night I used snow as a chaser
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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