I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
