What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
