Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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