I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
