Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.