i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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