My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Randomize
