I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You have to summon your inner elephant
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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