He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
