I will die if light touches me.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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