How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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