If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
