Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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