In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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