My liver just broke up with me...
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
