Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
