Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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