A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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