I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
