I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
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the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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