I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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