I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
