First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
