Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
