After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
