Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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