how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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