She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
