I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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