dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
