i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
