final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
