I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
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He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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