i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
