I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We are all done wearing pants today
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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