I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
