I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
