Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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